Where Have I Been?

My dear followers and subscribers,

It’s been two years since I’ve posted. What have I been up to? Well, from October 2015-August 2016, I took a year off. I decided to let go of all my efforts to either find a job or earn a steady income since nothing has panned out for many years. I left it up to the Universe to guide me in the direction I was supposed to go. I guess I was lucky I didn’t find work because my time and attention would be consumed by my husband’s journey ahead.

It is with great sorrow that I must tell you that late last Autumn (2016), my beloved husband of 29 years, Hank, suffered several series of small strokes which led to the discovery, in November 2016, of an “untreatable, very aggressive, stage 4 cancer with a +1 gene mutation”. He was gone three and a half weeks later, on December 14, 2016. He was only 56 years old. Hank was, and still is, the love of my life.

One year later, I am still in the depths of sorrow, grieving and struggling to survive emotionally, physically and financially (unfortunately, Hank couldn’t get life insurance because he had borderline hypertension).

Our son has been phenomenal throughout this tragedy and has helped me so much financially as well as emotionally this past year. Unfortunately, his life and job search was put on hold during the ordeal and, this last year, he’s been working hard to find a permanent full-time job, even if it’s not in his area of interest/degree. He’s still looking.

We talk about his father all the time: remembering Hank’s kindness, his wonderful laugh, his strong, deep voice, things he loved to do, or loved to see.

To be honest, I’m still reeling, and the last few months I’ve been reliving all the trauma of the entire experience. There hasn’t been a day that’s gone by for more than a year when I haven’t cried, and that’s okay. The tears help me grieve. I tell people: The depth of my grief is the depth of my love.

I miss Hank so very much and can now fully comprehend the depth of sorrow some of my clients have experienced. Yes, I now know this incomprehensible loss all too well.

I also find myself asking the same questions my clients ask me, “Why him? He was such a good man.” “Why now?” “Why isn’t he here?” My pain blocks me from knowing the answers, at least for now.

But, there is one thing I know for certain. I am truly blessed to have been loved so deeply by this wonderful, incredibly kind and loving man. A man whom I loved, and will always love, with all my heart and soul.

With love and light, ~Lisa

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