(This was written in May 2018: I’d forgotten I wrote it but this is worth publishing and reading.)
As I embark on trying to, once again, post weekly to help you connect with your intuition for any job or life challenge, as well as to help you connect directly with your loved ones on the Other Side, please understand that I am not the same person as I was a few years ago when some of you first subscribed.
Therefore, my voice is now different and I just want to tell you it’s okay if you choose to no longer subscribe. I understand.
With my recent loss, I am a different person, a different woman than I once was, and I cannot hide my sadness, my grief. It is a part of my life now and I’m not going to hide it but I understand if it makes some of you uncomfortable.
Over the past 2 years, 5 months, I have often told people that the depth of my grief is the depth of my love. I do not apologize if I start crying in the grocery story, while on a walk, talking to a neighbor, wherever. My tears are an expression of my love for my husband. I am not ashamed of them yet I understand if they make people uncomfortable.
I notice those who are uncomfortable are either those who’ve never suffered a loss OR have suffered a loss but have not allowed themselves to grieve.
As some of you may have noticed from my Twitter feed, I’ve been distracting myself for the last week or so with current events, hoping for some glimmer of hope that my nightmare, our nightmare of an existence will be over soon and our country will right itself, justice will be served, and love will prevail.
Well, there is a reason for this: grief. Every 14th, 15th, 17th of the month are NOT good dates for me: Death, Date of PET scan, Fatal Diagnosis. Plus, May is a terrible month for me for yet an additional reason: our wedding anniversary is 24th. Hank and I would’ve been married 32 years.
These last 2-3 days, I haven’t been able to focus on my work. I know there are things I want to do that may or may not make any difference in attracting paying clients but I haven’t been able to make the effort to do them. One day I did, and I exhausted myself.
I’ve been using all the tools in my toolbox to cope with my grief and my financial difficulties: (EFT tapping, affirmations, afformations, what-if ?s, taking walks, asking for help from Hank & Spirit, feng shui, decluttering, & more!) to rebuild my life after my tragic loss. I’ve been striving to become financially independent again so that my adult son can look for work in his field out-of-state and begin to live his own life rather than helping his mother survive. But, to be honest, on most days, it takes everything I have to get out of bed.
I know those of you who follow me may want me to be more consistently positive but, life is a roller coaster! We need to experience all of life: the negative & the positive. We need to vent and to cheer, to stand against hate and to stand for love. To fully feel our losses, to fully celebrate and relish our achievements…even if it’s getting ourselves out of bed and taking a shower…finally.
I am normally a cheerful, positive, helpful woman who has suffered a tragic loss and who has been trying to earn a steady income for more than a decade. I can’t erase these experiences from my life. I can only be honest with what I feel moment-to-moment and persevere. I really do believe my purpose is to help people with their sorrow, and by helping them, I’ll be helping myself and our son journey through our own grief.
At the same time, I am constantly reminding myself to (several times a day), focus on the beauty in the world to bring myself back from the depths of grief, anxiety, and hopelessness.
What I’m trying to say to you is this: Don’t expect yourself, or anyone who is grieving, to be positive every second of every day. That is unrealistic! We are human beings. Our range of emotions is incredible and we should not deny experiencing those emotions. We can, however, learn to not stay in the negative emotions as long as we once did. They are there for us to help us appreciate the positive experiences and people in our lives, so we can eventually be grateful for having them.
To be honest, I’m not there yet with the loss of my beloved. My husband implored both of us (our son and I) to find the silver lining in his health crisis and his death. I know it’s going to take time…a lot of time to do so.
I will, however, focus on the beauty in the world as I journey with grief. That was the message Spirit gave me to combat my anxieties during my husband’s health crisis, so that I could make it to the hospital. I, literally, used that as a mantra as we drove there focusing on the beautiful blue sky, the pretty color of a restaurants’ sign, the flower on the side of the road.
And, you know what? It worked! Took me three tries, but it worked and I could be with my husband, fight for answers, for help, for my husband’s wishes and attend the rest of the doctors’ and hospital visits with him, ultimately, living with him in hospice the last nine days of his life.
So, please, embrace yourself with beauty, patience, and compassion as you grieve, as you search for connection to your loved ones on the Other Side. Breathe deeply, release your grief through yelling (I do so when alone at home), crying, writing, talking to a therapist/counselor/support group, or talking to a friend, and make sure to do something physical to help you continue to release your upset emotions so you can come around to feeling better, and more capable to survive, and to eventually thrive. You can do this. I’m right there with you.
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