My apologies for not notifying you sooner. I’ve been struggling to write this post for a few weeks now. Rewriting, editing, rewriting it several times.
But, I can’t lie to you. Quite frankly, grief is exhausting; worry and life itself is exhausting for me right now…and has been for more than 2 years and 8 months.
As you know, I have produced four months of weekly videos as an experiment, and to learn about YouTube and to push myself to do something “less-than-perfect” in order to move forward in my life. It was also a promotional tool in the hopes of attracting paying clients for both my mediumship and job/life coaching services. Sadly, it hasn’t attracted one paying client.
Three+ Sundays ago, I had something urgent I needed to work on for both my son and myself, so I couldn’t do a video, and the next weekend? Well, with all the tragedies which are happening in the U.S., I just couldn’t pretend to be in a positive mood when I’ve been so upset.
I know, maybe now *is* the time to do a positive video when we need it the most but, my heart simply isn’t in it, and I’ve learned during this journey with grief, that I should pay attention to that.
Yes, I’ve pushed myself in doing many other things that needed to be done that I didn’t want to do, but this is different.
To complicate matters, my PTSD was triggered when I recently went to my neighbors to give them some things for their grandkids (I’m decluttering) and found out her husband had just suffered a stroke the day before. Or maybe it was two days?
My anxieties kicked in immediately so I’m not sure what I heard. He was standing at the door talking to me and I noticed a lot of subtle injuries, not just the use of his hand which he seemed to focus on, and I kept looking at his wife.
I recognized that look. That, “I’m so frightened, I don’t know what to do or say.” look. That, “Omg, is this really happening?” look. That, “Omg, I hope he *will* be okay, eventually.”
She knew. I could tell she knew his injuries were more than just the grip of his left hand. I offered them both healing wishes, didn’t ask too many questions, allowed them to tell me what they felt they wanted to tell me, then fled to my house and sobbed.
In case you are new here, my beloved husband suffered a series of strokes before the doctors discovered the “untreatable, super aggressive cancer that had a +1 gene mutation” which led to his death in December 2016, (and, yes, his day of fatal diagnosis still haunts me today), but his symptoms/injuries from the strokes were not stereotypical as was the case in my neighbor’s experience.
Plus, my neighbors have insurance, he can still drive, and there’s no threat of him ever having a stroke again. Totally different scenario from my husband’s, but when I heard “stroke”, I freaked inside just as I do when I hear about someone’s cancer…which I did the week before from another neighbor!
And then, the last few days, I realized what might be draining my motivation in getting these videos done: it’s August! With the 14th of every month marking my beloved’s passing, it’s rough but August is even rougher for me and my son.
You see, it’s not only my son’s birthday month but also my birthday month. We now only have each other to acknowledge and express our gratitude that we were born. The one person who loved/loves both of us unconditionally and passionately, is no longer physically present to wish us a “Happy Birthday!”, give us a hug and a kiss, and tell us how much he loves us. Hank’s physical absence, especially during special events, is palpable.
That’s why I think this month has been completely unproductive for me as far as the videos are concerned. And, probably why I’ve been struggling to write this post! I’ve been trying to figure out my total lack of motivation to do them.
So, I’m going to take the rest of August off from producing these videos. I had hoped to go back to my BlogTalkRadio radio show for the month of August but I can’t even bring myself to do that.
Healing is needed…and planning, while I continue searching for and applying for traditional jobs, locally and remotely.
If you get nothing else from this post, please realize that grieving is something no one “gets over”. It’s something you carry with you for the rest of your life; it simply evolves and you learn how to carry it (some days better than others).
So, be kind to those you know who are grieving even if it’s been years since their loss. And, if that person is you, be sure to practice self-care when things like this happen. Be kind to yourself, let go of some things you feel you *should* do but really don’t have to, and let yourself cry remembering that your tears are an expression of love.
I’ll let you know in September what my next step will be, and if I’m able to serve you as I had hoped to…connecting you to your loved ones on the Other Side and teaching you to recognize the signs they’re sending you, yourself.
Thank you for understanding. I’m sending you lots of love and light,
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